I think this is more a relationship flavored pet question, than a pet flavored relationship question, so I'm posting it here. I'm aware both are implicated.
Bottom line up front: should I recommend to my wife that we re-home our cats?
I never grew up with pets, my wife did. She didn't have pets when we met, but she mentioned occasionally while we were dating that she would like cats again. 5 years later, we were married, it was the middle of 2016. I was about to leave for 5 months of initial military training, joining the reserves. We got two kittens, a bro/sis, they were probably 3 months old. They bonded great with both of us. They were with us two months before I left. I came back, and they were bonded with her more than myself. I could still engage them and play with them, and they'd snuggle with me if she wasn't there, but it was definitely less than before I left.
I also never had the 'head over heels' overflowing love for them that she does. She'll speak with them in her pet voice, seek them out to snuggle-harass them, etc. I know this very par for the course for pet-lovers, but honestly to me they were becoming more like roommates than my children. That's not to say I don't care for them, I know they are wholly dependent on us and if anything happened to them it would be horrible, and entirely on us. They've shown me in a way I never knew how animals could have personalities, cares, highs, lows, etc. I was thinking of them when I ate meat, so I've stopped. They've made me care more for animals generally, but I don't have a particular passion for them especially. I just see them as a lucky couple that live with us and that we're responsible for.
We generally divide caring for them, I clean the litter and litter closet, and she takes care of food and playtime. I'll play with them too if she can't, but it's certainly more a chore for me compared to actually playing for her. They sleep with us and I don't mind that at all, the day to day living with them is usually fine.
They do stress me out when they wake us up early to be fed, and there are times I feel my wife prioritizes them over our relationship, and spends more of her affection on them than me. She recognizes this too, but understandably she doesn't feel like that's a priority she can just "flip" by wanting to. There are basically two points of contention that make me wonder about my stance.
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My wife told me she is less stressed out when I am gone for military service (usually between 1-5 days at a time), because she does not have to worry about how the cats may affect or stress me out. This was very painful for me to hear, and hard for me to respond to because she's feeling that way out of care for me. I've told her that's a responsibility she's taking on that she can't and shouldn't try to control, but she can't help but feel responsible.
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She stresses out, a lot, about leaving the cats for travel. We have an 8 day trip coming up soon, and my opinion is to take what I see as the stereotypical approach for cats - we'll have someone check on them 2 or 3 times a day but otherwise they'll be fine. Her desire is to have someone stay with them, at least 3 or 4 full days while we're gone. I don't like this idea as it'll have to be strangers/hired petsitters doing that. We're not planning on having kids soon, and we're approaching some financial stability where we can travel more, which is something I strongly want to do.
So she has asked me if I think we should re-home them. They're just over 2 now, and her stance is to re-home them sooner than later if we're going to do it at all. She also doesn't like that she feels like life is 'easier' while I'm gone, and she's concerned she's hurting them or giving them a life worse than they'd get otherwise if we travel and leave them at home.
In a strange way I feel like she is closer to re-homing them than I am. I don't know what to say. Her concerns seem to be both about our relationship and the cats's quality of life. I'm not really thinking of the cats at all honestly, I think they'll have a perfectly fine life with us, trust me they have the run of the house and I enjoy giving them as good as a life as possible. The flip side of that is I wouldn't really feel a loss if we re-homed them, but I know she would. But I get the feeling she'd also feel relieved? I'm scared that I can't tell if re-homing is right because honestly for me, it's also the easy route. But it'll also be us turning back on them, and me turning back on her in adopting the cats.
Ok I think I've gotten to the point I'm just re-writing how I feel different ways. Any advice or perspectives on this is greatly appreciated. Thanks :)
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from Pets https://www.reddit.com/r/Pets/comments/aunihf/i_am_torn_a_hybrid_relationshippets_question/
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