My husband and I adopted a kitten a year ago. She’d come to me but showed most of her affection to my husband. She was his. It made me miss my first cat, Obi, who I rescued when I was a student. He had to be given away because of a housing issue. Forwarding to today, I wanted a cat of my own. For months, I applied and called recuse orgs to adopt a male tabby, one that looked like Obi. One day, My application was approved and I adopted a cute 2 month old baby boy kitten. I loved him. He was everything I wanted. Vocal, super affectionate, energetic. He’d always run into my arms, lick my face and sit on my shoulder. He was mine. My first baby boy. But my other cat hated him. She’d hiss and hit him. She’d try to take his food occasionally. One day, while both cats were eating, my little kitten decides to take my older cats food. I grab the kitten (who was then scratching me and getting a little anxious) and I throw him in my room. Note: I also work from home full time and my kitten does not allow me to work so I usually put him in my room for an hour/day. I hear a thud. A min later I hear him meowing weirdly. I come inside the room and see him gasping for air. His collar was taken off. I patted his stomach and it seemed to help him but in less than a minute he was dead. His eyes went fully black and he was limp in my arms. I did call the vet and they said it seemed he was dead. I must’ve held his dead body for hours.
When my husband came home, he said it couldn’t have been the impact to the wall because his all his bones seemed intact. Our little kitten also liked to eat weird things off the floor. When we first Brought him home, he tried pooping a string out but since it seemed stuck to something inside him, so we didn’t try to take it out ourselves. The adoption agency said it was normal and that we should wait till he poops again. My husband said that if it was because I threw him against a wall that he would’ve died instantly from his bones breaking. He says it’s because he ate something and he choked. I don’t believe that. I hate myself. I keep thinking of how he died in my arms. I killed my perfect son. We buried him in a special place and putting him to the ground nearly killed me. Seeing his lifeless body…I don’t know what to do with myself. My husband is also grieving for his son.
Nothing makes me happy. I haven’t stopped crying. I feel empty. I have no appetite since yesterday. I want him back. I miss kissing him. I miss playing with him. I can’t sleep. I can’t be productive. I’m just numb.
I deserve to be punished. I hate myself. I’m trying to describe what I feel, but all I know is I’m a horrific person who does not deserve anything. I shouldn’t have thrown him. The two cats fighting made me too anxious and Nervous. I should’ve been more gentle. I was also severely allergic to my kitten. My eyes were swollen that morning because he likes sleeping next to me. I take meds to help me or my albuterol.
My older cat keeps coming to me now. I pet her but I can’t be around anyone right now. I love her too but she didn’t bring me that happiness that my kitten did. He was my life. My everything. I’d do anything to bring my baby boy back 😭
I’m prepared to be called all sorts of things. I do not expect any kind words because I’m a terrible person.
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from Pets https://www.reddit.com/r/Pets/comments/o2115u/i_accidentally_killed_my_kitten_im_devastated_and/
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