Heavy subject, I suppose. If you don't wanna hear about an old dog being put down under... really upsetting circumstances and a traumatic past or whatever then don't... read this. I don't want to upset anyone.
I had to have my dog euthanized last night. I came upstairs to her having a seizure, she looked at me like she was so... so fucking terrified. With relief of not being alone, but just... her face. It's in my head, that fear and her lop-sided expression as they brought her into a room with me to put her down.
She was still... conscious. She had something akin to a stroke, however she was 14. I wasn't about to put her through hell just for me to find out why she has to die right then. She deserved no pain.
Half of her body ceased to work, she could suddenly no longer jump, walk or lift her head properly. My heart just fucking... ached. I had no one for so long, except for her. I had her since she was two, now she's gone at 14 and I feel so alone at 21.
My mom was... she made a lot of poor choices, we didn't have money, she was pimped, she had abusive boyfriends, I was neglected, emotionally I'm not okay. I don't want to go too in depth but Mariah, my dog, was always, ALWAYS there. She was so sweet and full of love I can't even... I can't f,ef shes gone? I keep going to give her treats, give her hugs, look at her bed to smile a t her and she's. . not there. she s not there.
My boyfriend and his family made it as easy and smooth as it could have been, they helped me pay, he stayed with me, constant reassurance that it was the right thing to do. I know it was the right thing but there's this thought in the back of my head that aches and nags that it wasn't, she was still alive. She was still... sentient, conscious, but she wouldn't get better. She would go down hill so quickly, it was best to do it then rather than later. But it aches. I can't be bothered to use correct grammar or whatever i d just . . i dont know. I dont know. i feel like im completely gone. for so long she was the reason i didnt end my own life, i had to take care of her. i couldnt leave her behind.
i had to go downstairs to get my boots and change before going to the emergency vet and had my boyfriend sit with her so she didnt try to follow me, she was like my shadow and dgot i lov ed her so much. i didnt think her tail even worked anymore but she wagged it when she saw me come back and i jssut cant understand how a creature could be so... full of love. so innocent, shthtey dont deserve that. animals dont deserve that shit. humans are monstrous fucking... i msorry i cant deal with it? death is usually fine, i accept it, but our lives were so intertwined im so lost without her. nothing feels right. ive had pets die, ive had family die, but she was such an important, nice part of my life. whene verything was terrible, when my mom was doing coke and i was afraid "what if he kills he r this time" she was there. my dog was there. she was so good. she was so stinky and old. i loved her so much. ive never loved anyone like that, ive never opened my heart to anyone like that. im so empty. at such a crucial par t of my life , i just... im so glad she wasnt alone. she wouldnt whave wante d to be alone.
shes gone. after 11 years. i have such regrets over my living situation when i lived with my mom, it was.. it was unexplainable. i cant force myself to put it intoo o words. i cant even type. its like theres air in m y head, its empty , light and heavy at the same time. i wish i could have maintained her dental health. i wish i could have been so much ebtter i wish i had a hbetter life that i could have provided better, she deserved it she was so sweet hwhat do i even do
its just.. i wait. i usjust think of her happy face, whenever id come upstairs or home and she was so happy , she'd jump around and roll around oh hgod
i v enever... ive never felt like tis. i dont. , imnot very emotional or open as a person but this is so... god d shes gone shes gone i cant believe ill never see her face again
i got to hold her as she went, she rested her head on me and wen t to sleep i jus t wish she didnt have to endure... a stroke of some sort i wish it wasnt like that but wishing will do nothing
even after a stroke or whatever happened she still wagged her tail when s shesaw me, how is a creature like that? how does someone love like that ? i cant ever smile at her again i can t .. oh god d
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from Pets https://www.reddit.com/r/Pets/comments/au664n/please_helpventi_dont_know_what_to_do/
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