I'm currently faced with one of the hardest decisions of my life and I'm in a really emotional state so I think I need some third party perspective from somebody with a clear mind so I'm going to lay it all out.
Background: My dad got the family our dog, Bella, a couple of years back and it was pretty quickly established that I was her 'mum'. I lived with my three younger siblings along with my Mum and Dad and basically I immediately took on the responsibility for her - took her for walks, she slept in my room, I took her to be groomed, so on so forth.
Problems started when I begun working full time as well as studying, and I really needed more help from the family but nobody took any responsibility, and there were ... a lot of fights.
Fast forward to end of 2016, I decided to do a year on an exchange program, but Bella was a concern. My family insisted I take the dog with me to Norway but I knew it would be a very expensive and very difficult process to move with a pet to a new country; and Australia is strict on customs so there would be thousands to be spent on vaccinations to bring her back home in the end. At the same time, I knew leaving her with my family would be a terrible option since I took 90% of the responsibility for her.
Luckily for me and just per chance, a pretty perfect solution fell into my lap. I made a friend a couple of months before I left who happened to have a lengthy experience taking in foster pets and temporarily caring for them while they were looking to be re-homed. At the time they had no pets around the house but when I talked to her about my issue, she offered to take care of Bella for the year. After I sat down together and had a lengthy discussion with her family, we can to a final agreement. It was a perfect arrangement - I would still pay for all her expenses, she would be in a happy home being cared for and I could put my mind at ease and enjoy my time abroad. Goodbyes were obviously very difficult and I was told she took a little time to adjust but soon she was happy in her new home.
Throughout the year, I stayed in touch with the family and everything seemed to be running really smoothly, Bella seemed to love it there and I was never at any point worried about her. I almost felt like I was relieved that she had left my home and gone there, even though I missed her so much, it almost seemed better for her. A few months before my exchange program was to end, I spoke to Mum and mentioned Bella. Mum said something along the lines of it sounding like she was actually better off there and that she was in this ideal situation being loved and cared for and had sort of adjusted to her new life.
I proposed a suggestion to my friend about perhaps passing her on permanently and she jumped at the idea. She said she'd grown really attached to Bella and would love to keep her permanently, and after having Bella, had literally decided to get her own dog whenever I returned, but she would much prefer to keep Bella since they'd grown so attached and seemed to be a perfect match. BUT that the decision did not have to be made until I got home and was re-united.
Fast forward to today: Well, I'm back now from my exchange program, and I went and visited Bella. It seemed like she did recognise me and was excited to see me but I wasn't sure if it was normal dog excitement or because it was me. Either way, we spent the day together and had a really great time and then when I returned her, I talked to the family and asked how things had been and from the looks of things, it was pretty much the best home a dog could ask her. It seemed like they distributed responsibility evenly and she was really well cared for. They said whatever I decided to do, they would be supportive and respect my decision but that if it was up to them, they would absolutely keep Bella on a permanent basis and of course I could visit whenever I wanted.
I went home feeling like it would almost be cruel to take her out of the home just because I missed her and wanted her, and then I got home and asked my family where they stood and everybody from my Mum and Dad down to my little sister and brother were basically like 'we used to fight 24/7 about this and it's not what's best for her, and maybe you should just let her be since she's happy there'. So it became pretty clear what was the least selfish thing to do would be to permanently re-home her, and just visit from time to time.
Everything seemed clear at this point, I'm still heartbroken, but the rational decision was evident in my mind.
Then I get a message the next day saying that Bella basically stood by the door for hours after I left whimpering and barking and waiting for me to come back. She was okay again after a couple of days but apparently she had gone really quiet and unenthusiastic about walks. She clearly had some reaction to seeing me and my friend suggested I come again and see how she reacts this time. I went and visited her again today and it was like she was glued to me. My friend was the one she was always attached to while she was staying there but she hardly paid attention to her while I was there. She had to distract her while I left. I cried all the way home from guilt. And suddenly everything feels flipped on its head.
The Decision: Well it needs to be made by the end of the month, we've decided. Because we can't sit in limbo forever. And ultimately, this is what it comes down to: NOT my feelings, not my friends feelings, not anybodies feelings, but what is best for the dog. And right now it is so unclear what that is. Because on the one hand, I bring her back here, to a home where I'm the only one who actually wants her back, and in a month, I start uni again as well as work (granted not full time, only a couple of days a week this time); and everybody has made it clear to me that me being busy with life, whether its exams or whatever.
On the other hand, it seems like she wants me back and I'm absolutely guilt ridden to the point where I could hardly drive because my hands shook on the steering wheel from anxiety, and as I'm writing, I can't stop crying because looking at her today, I felt like I am just meant to be with her. But I'm not sure if that is a short term pain for her (and for me) and whether I'm just projecting my own feelings because they're so overwhelming.
My family have said it's my choice but I can't expect any input from them since it is my decision to bring her back. And I honestly feel like she'll be in a home where she's not even wanted except by me, because my sister has said 'don't expect me to walk her' and my mum has started laying down additional ground rules like 'she won't be allowed in the house, except in your room' so on and so forth, which in my eyes is the wrong way to treat a dog because a dog is a family member. And really, I hate them for it, the irrational part of me. But I know logically, they're right. If I make this decision, it's on me, 100% and I'm under my parents roof, so it's not up to me to dictate the terms. I think it will cause strain to this family. But I just don't want to hurt my pup.
Is the best decision long term to leave her? Is it cruel or is it kind? Maybe the answer is clear, maybe I'm just too blind with emotion, but what would you do if you were in my position?
Secondary question - If I do leave her, as hard as it will be, do you guys think it would be best to stop seeing her all together if it causes her distress when I show up and then leave?
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from Pets https://www.reddit.com/r/Pets/comments/ahk5pa/toughest_decision_of_my_life/
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