Hi all. This is gonna be really lengthy, but it's appreciated to anyone who reads through it. I really need some help right now, anything.
Last night, I had to euthanize my 9 month old cat with my sister. It happened at a vet, and his death was quick and painless. He was calm and nearly asleep when he died.
The reason we had to put him down was because about a month before, he started acting really weird. He suddenly collapsed and he couldn't move himself. He wasn't paralyzed, but he was so weak. He urinated himself because he couldn't hold it in and he was meowing in pain. We freaked out and took him to the vet immediately. After a bunch of tests that costed a few hundred dollars, they told us that he was incredibly anemic. His red blood cell count was at 5% and he said that that's about as low as it could be while still being alive. They couldn't find the source of the anemia and he was about to die, so we paid $1800 for a blood transfusion. We were calling the vet all night to check up on him. In the morning, we picked him up. They told us that his red blood cell count went up to 16% which was a pretty good jump. They also gave us medication and a steroid to help, which was another few hundred dollars, but they said it might not do anything. They told us that if his blood cell count went back down that it was probably caused by something genetic and not a parasite or anything. We had a lot of hope from then because he was like a new cat after the blood transfusion and the medication and steroids. He was eating a lot, playing around, etc. We thought that he was better because after about a month an a half, like 50 days, he was energetic and happy. Then, last night, he suddenly started to stumble again. He wouldn't walk more than a few steps without stopping. This wasn't arthritis because he was such a young cat. We noticed a few days before that he wasn't eating a lot and that he would sleep all day, but we just took it as being normal cat behavior because he always slept a lot anyways. He wouldn't go to the bathroom and he started meowing in pain again. He started hiding all the time. I told my parents that we should take him to the vet, and my sister agreed. I think at that point we both knew he wasn't going to live much longer because he could barely even stand. He was obviously hurting and it was hard for him to breathe. So we jumped in the car, he was wrapped in his favorite blanket, and drove to the vet.
When we got there, we told them that we were there for euthanasia. It was the most painful thing I've ever had to do. They told us that he would die soon anyways and we were so afraid that it would be painful for him, so we wanted to let him pass peacefully. He probably wouldn't have made it through the night. They told us that it was most likely a genetic autoimmune disease that was destroying his own cells. They took him back to put the catheter in. The entire time, he was still. He still wouldn't move. This wasn't normal for him at all. I don't think he could move anything except for his head. Even his tail was limp.
I held him in the blanket with my sister while our parents were outside. They didn't want to watch, but I wanted to be there with him. We were there while the vet was giving us a moment to say goodbye. I was crying so hard. I remember the look on his face. He was looking directly at me the entire way to the vet. and while he was on my lap in his final moments, just closed his eyes and laid down on my arm. He was curled up in a little ball like he would always be. I don't think he knew exactly what was going on, but I swear in that moment he seemed like he knew that he was about to leave us. He was so calm, even when the vet was injecting him. Before the lethal dose, we asked one more time if there was anything we could do to save him. They said we couldn't, because even if he got another blood transfusion, he would just go right back to where he was--in pain and unable to move. We had already tested him for various illnesses, parasites, cancers, etc. but they all came back negative. His eyes opened when he passed and he was just staring off into the distance. It was so hard for me to watch, but I couldn't look away. I was petting him long after he passed, and they eventually took him away and put him in a box.
My sister carried the box that held him back to the car while I held his blanket. It was the blanket he loved and the blanket he died on. I was crying the entire time back because I kept second-guessing myself. I still don't know if what I did was right.
It's causing me so much guilt and grief and it's too much to handle. I can't think of anything else. What if he had a few more days, or weeks, or even months to live? What if there really was an underlying cause of the anemia that we just couldn't find? Did I end his life too soon?
I feel like it's my fault.
He was too young. Only 9 months old and he didn't deserve to leave this early. I loved him and I still love him more than anything. He was my family and he was there for me. I'm about to start crying right now writing this. I guess I would feel a little better if he has lived a full life, but he wasn't even a year old. What if I didn't take him to the vet? Would he still be here? I'm so scared that if I didn't, he would have died in pain. But what if he didn't?
He was in the box until the morning, because it was around 1 am, and we took him during the day to my grandparent's house to bury him alongside my mother's other childhood cats that had also passed. This was all this morning. We dug a hole and opened the box he was in. I wanted to bury him inside of his blanket. When we placed him in the blanket, I almost started to cry again. He was so stiff and cold. I was petting his fur and the only thing I wanted was to see him alive one more time. I kissed him for the last time.
I wrapped him in the blanket before we buried him, it was the least I could do. When I put him in the hole and we buried him this morning, I knew it was the last time I'd see him. I swear I'll visit him and bring him something he liked every time.
The same day, today, I got another kitten to help me cope with his death. She doesn't look like him because I don't want to replace him. He was special and he'll always be with me. I don't think I'll get over it for a long time. The new kitten I got is very loving and I want to protect and love her the same way. I didn't do a good enough job of protecting my last baby. I was holding him just yesterday, he was purring and sleeping on my stomach, and now he's gone. I hate that I lost him. He deserved so much more than what I could ever give him.
The new kitten is helping me cope a lot, but on the inside I feel so awful. It seems like he's being replaced. After all, he passed just last night. But that's not what I'm trying to do. I didn't do enough for him. I'm trying to move on but I can't. I love him too much. So so much. I love my new kitten too, but I can;t stop thinking about him. It doesn't help that the kitten is doing everything he used to do as a kitten as well. It's so overwhelming. Was it too soon to get another cat? The day after he died? I know I'd be thinking a lot worse if I didn't get her because it makes me feel better caring for her, but still. I feel awful that I didn't give time just to mourn.
Any help on how to deal with this would be greatly appreciated. I feel like he died because of me. I feel like I'm replacing him, but no other cat will ever replace him for me. Have any of you had a similar experience? I feel all alone.
Rip Misha. I love you so much. I miss you. I'll never forget you.
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from Pets https://www.reddit.com/r/Pets/comments/cp5tkr/the_guilt_is_destroying_me/
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