It's still hard for me to think about and it feels like it so happened so fast, but just this last week on Thursday I had to let Maddie, my tortoiseshell calico, go.
I've been ruminating, agonizing, crying, and everything else in between in the last 48 hours. It just feels like it happened so fast. When I had her in to the vet for a check up last June, there were some signs that her kidneys were starting to decline. The vet recommended that I get her switched over to a kidney health dry food. I truly tried, but with her sensitive stomach I couldn't pull it off, she would always either pick around it or throw it up. At that time she was 5.5 lbs. At her biggest she was 7 lbs.
Fast forward to a month ago and she was having nearly uncontrollable diarrhea. I brought her in and the vet ran a stool sample and find that she might have a clostridium infection. I kept up the antibiotics for the full to week course and for just a day she seemed to get better, then the diarrhea came back.
Just last weekend I made the decision that I would make an appointment to take her in to the vet asap, but the earliest I could get was Tuesday. When I brought her in, she weighed 4.8 lbs. The vet poked around and took her temperature and the first thing he mentioned was that it might be time to think about letting go. Then he started to go over the other options, lots of tests, pills, pokes, prods, more vet visits and everything else. I was in shock. I either didn't notice or didn't want to notice that she was hurting. She was hiding out on one of the chairs under the kitchen table for a couple weeks because it was the closest spot to the water bowl, food bowl, and a litter box.
I made the decision the next day (last Wednesday) to let her go on Thursday. I agonized over it, she's been my buddy for almost 2/3rds of my life, but after I got home on Wednesday and say with her I knew that I made the right decision. She was fidgeting around and couldn't get comfortable, even when she was sitting on my lap. She just looked tired and she was only holding on for me at that point. She could stick around me for a few minutes but then she would have to leave for a while, and every time she would come back she just looked more tired.
I wanted her to be able to go while she could still be up and around and so that she could enjoy the tuna water that I put out for her the morning that the vet would arrive. I just cried the whole morning. I tried to be strong for her before the vet came but just couldn't. I'm not normally a crier but I take no shame that I wailed.
Once she was gone I didn't even know what to do. I wailed for an hour then somehow got up and wandered in to work just to get out of the house for a while. I've been keeping busy for the last few days, or at least occupied, but it's hard to deal with. I just let the tears flow when they need to. There's a huge hole in my heart knowing that she's not there to greet me when I get home.
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from Pets https://www.reddit.com/r/Pets/comments/d4dywm/i_just_had_to_let_my_cat_buddy_of_18_years_go/
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