First of all. I wanna say that I feel very bad and am scum. I do not have any anger issues or any psychological problems. Not that I know of at least.
So, when I took my dog to the vet... The vet adivsed me that hitting dogs are somewhat essential to teach them a lesson. This method is controversy so people wluld have their own opinion about hitting dogs. Anyways, I took his advice and at first I was hitting her everytime she poops/pee on the floor. Not too hard but enough to teach her a lesson. There wasn't any issues after. She learned her lessons and she knew and understood that pooping/peeing in the house would anger me. After months, she pooped on my bed in front of me. She usually cries and signals me to take her out evertime she wants to pee/poop. But this time she went while I watched. So that obviously angered me.
I will describe all the painful s***t I've done to my dog. Carefully and slowly. At first I hit her on her nose as hard as how you would kill a mosquito. Probably 3 times. After I felt more calm I felt very bad!!! Her ears were down, her tails were tucked in and her back was in upwards motion. Barely moving and showing any movements. So what I did was left her alone and gave her space.
I tried to appologize to her with high pitch voice but I could not contain and handle how much sorry I am. So I gave her lots of treats, toys and dog foods. She was acting normal with me, but After about a month, before I go to bed she was giving me all the signs of fear. (Tail tucked in, ears down and upwards back) I kept giving her signs that I wasn't going to hurt her, like give her food, treats, pet her, hug her, rub her belly and ears. But still she wouldn't get the message. That gave me anxiety and for some stupid reason......
FOR SOME STUPID REAOSN WHICH I NYSELF DON'T UNDERSTAND. It angered me and I beat her up. As I said I feel very bad after I calmed myself down! I am scum and I admit it. No animals deserve what I did to her!
So what I did was hit her on the nose for about 3 times. Hard. A bit harder than how you would kill a mosquito. And then she peed uncontrollably on my bed which pissed me off even more so I grabbed her (like how you eould grab a kitten on the back of their necks to disable them) and started hitting her and tossed her on the bed. (The bed was fluffy and bouncy) and then I was screaming and shouting. Then I started slapping her very fast (not very hard just soft, just as hard as how you would jokingly slap someone) until she made a squeel high pitch sound). I guess I really hated the fact that she was scared of me for no reason at that day. My actions were unacceptable and I should he punished for what I have done. I could not admit what I did to anyone what I have done thats why I am posting this here. I do not deserve a dog like her. She is an american eskimo and she is litterly the best and nicest dog I have ever met. She knows how to do tricks like standing up and she is very welcoming with other people. And yet she gets such treatments like this from me. So I decided to give her up. Not for adoption, I really loved her, but I didn't wanna risk to trust myself not doing the same thing again. I gave her to my girlfriend and she took her in. I couldn't be alone with the dog at all. I still see her everytime I visit my girlfriend, my GF doesn't even know this.
But that's not where it ends..... So after about 2 weeks giving her to my GF, she still gives me all the signs of fear. For 4 months I just let all that happen. Then a miracle happened. She started to treat me like how she treats and welcome other people. She showed me signs that she enjoyed my presance for the first time in a while. This continued for a week. Then it changed again. I was at my GFs house with the dog and I used a product to clean her ears and she hated that. And then she started acting all scared again... It was veeg furstrating because I felt the joy of her affection again and she starting hating/fearing me again just because I cleaned her ears. It was for her own good. Obviously it made me very upset. She hid under the bed and it was very dirty, dusty and disgusting and I really had to take her out of there. She was licking the dust and I found it disgusting. So I tried to reach her and when I tried to grab her SHE BIT ME!!
So obviously that pissed me off. I pulled her by the tail while she continued to bite me. Grabbed her at the back of her neck (The skin of the back of her neck) and slapped her fron left to right hard. Also my GF wasn't around, she was in the shower when this happened. After slapping her hard she ran away to the living room and when I followed her she pooped and peed on my GF's brand new couch. So that pissed me off.. WAY MORE. So I moved the couch where she was hiding under and grabbed her by the back of her neck again and slapped her. I hit her nose twice hard as well. Then she started to growl and showed her sharp teeth at me for the first time and that's where my GF also came.
I feel bad. As I mentioned. She is the nicest dog I know. She is smart, nice and very welcoming and she didn't deserve this. I moved away from the city to go to College now so I'm not worried about meeting her again. I just couldn't trust myself with the dog. I believe that I have anger proems and I should learn to manage it. I am scum and I do need to turn myself in to the law for animal abuse. But I am scared to what they will do to me. I can't afford with any fines or any law punishments.
I just couldn't keep this to myself, so I post this anonymously. And any advice, feedbacks or even negative comments would be appreciated. I just don't want to be akone with these thoughts anymore😔😔😔
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from Pets https://www.reddit.com/r/Pets/comments/dnc0rq/i_beat_up_abused_my_dog_i_am_scum_and_i_feel_very/
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