I know ive posted a couple of times about my cat rosco already, but i am really struggling with his passing and i wanted to run some thoughts by the people here.
I think im feeling guilty because i had to euthanize him and when the time came he hid his head in my hands. I think to myself, i gave him the chance to fight through his CKD with my help... why didn't i give him the chance to fight this fluid buildup. What would it have hurt to bring him home a couple more days now that the fluid has been pulled. Maybe it was not a mass, but something idiopathic? (the fluid was milky white with triglycerides making the vet think it was not his heart murmor but rather a blockage of the lymph nodes. He has been in the hospital for a week 2 months earlier, but had seemed to make a miraculous recovery from CKD). I feel guilty because i have a hard time thinking death is a solution. How can a cat be happy that it died. I had to decide for him. What would he have said if he could speak.
I tend to personify and anthropomorphize creatures and objects. I hate hurting objects and creatures. In my mind my little Rosco was a little person with a strong personality. Perhaps i need to take a more clear look at this. Sure, he had a personality, but my wife and i probably overlaid his existing furrycat personality with more of our own human emotions and ascribing them to him. While a human might feel that some suffering is worth it to live, as many of us feel there might be nothing beyond life. I suffered through treatment in the last year (something my cat helped me with) and i did so because i chose life. Perhaps cats do not see it that way. Perhaps a cat does not have a desire to live beyond its natural instinct. When a cat stares out of the window, he is looking for movements and things that catch his eye. It is probably not contemplating the meaning of life or how great he has it. He might feel good because he has it great and that creates joy, but the active idea that he thinks it might be a stretch. It is hard for me to come to terms with that as I often considered my cat to be my friend, my buddy and the way he acted one might sometimes have thought i was his pet.
Perhaps it was best to make him sleep. He was not running around in the last two weeks. He was not eating to great. We let him do what he wanted such as sleep on our pillows. He was purring still, but less loud. Someone told me that when you see a cat showing signs of distress it means they are really in distress as they normally tend to hide their illness (a natural thing).
Perhaps it was time to let him go and when it happened he probably wasnt thinking... hey man, no, let me fight, i dont want to die. The idea that worries me so. He was probably thinking that i was holding him and he was falling asleep.
I love you Rosco. I dont know if your love for me was as strong as mine for you, but im sure you liked me. I know you didnt always get along with your sister, but she is looking for you now and she is consoling your catmom and catdad.
Thanks everyone for letting me write this down and get it out of my head.
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from Pets https://www.reddit.com/r/Pets/comments/aeycl5/trying_to_find_closure_for_euthanizing_my/
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