Hello pet owners
Obviously I'm using a throwaway account because the kind of stuff I want to talk about here would absolutely wreck my life. I'm also going to obfuscate some details so as to make it harder to connect a story directly to me - so if it feels like part of the story is missing that's because it probably is. I'm not sure what I expect posting this - really I expect to be bashed by a bunch of angry pet lovers until I delete the post. But I'm at least hoping for some thoughtful responses. And maybe by putting it down in solid words I can internalize it a little bit and be a little better in that way.
I'll start from the very top. I am an abusive pet owner. I am deeply ashamed of the way I act and how it effects my pets, my children, and my family as a whole. I want to make a change for the better but after years of trying (and admittedly slowly getting better in some ways) I want to reach out for help. I am afraid to talk to anyone about it, as all it would take would be a quick report to tear down my whole life. So this is my cry into the roiling void that is the internet.
Who is/is not involved?
Obviously myself. I'm in my late 20s and I am NOT an animal person. Why do I have pets then? Because my wife is an absolute animal lover and I caved to her about dogs. Now we have 2 dogs and 2 guinea pigs. I don't have a history of being abusive to animals - in fact I don't have much of a history at all because I've avoided them my whole life. I have a fear of dogs I've slowly been getting over that stemmed from a wild dog pinning me down and tearing out part of my shoulder when I was little. I am generally very friendly to animals that are not my own, but cautious around dogs, especially if they growl, bark, or bear teeth.
My wife and 2 children are not involved. I'm not even sure my wife is aware. If she is, she refuses to face the truth that her husband might be an abusive asshole. For the record now I am NOT abusive to my wife (except in bed ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ) or my daughters. I've never laid a hand on them and wouldn't ever even entertain the idea. I truly wish I could have the same kind of composure with the animals but something just ticks differently. My oldest daughter started hitting the dogs but I quickly corrected that - do as I say not as I do eh?
My two dogs. The older one is a small, hyper breed. He's too smart for his own good and likes to push and break rules he thinks he can get away with. He bullies the other dog constantly despite size difference and will steal food from my daughters. If he even thinks he is in trouble he'll run off and piss on everything you own. If he actually is in trouble this is usually followed by shitting somewhere. He's the main one that invokes the response - and usually amplifies it with the mess. The younger dog is a larger, dumber breed. She's clearly a rescue animal and her fearful response to me (understandable) makes me deeply sad. We play sometimes when she's in a good mood and it's very sweet, but also very rare.
My two guinea pigs are not involved. They're little assholes yes, but they're just rodents. I worry that the yelling startles them though.
What is happening?
It's an emotional response. I'm not sure what happens really, I just see red. When the dogs break rules or when they do bad things I start to yell and stomp my feet. Usually this sends them fleeing away and that's the end of it. But it's not the right thing to do already and I'm off on a bad foot. But it gets so much worse when one of two things happens: 1) when the younger dog destroys something. If left unsupervised she will inevitably find something that belongs to my daughters and rip it to shreds. Dolls, books, crayons, clothes - if it's theirs she wants to break it. 2) When either dog responds to the yelling by bearing their teeth, barking, pissing/shitting.
That's when I see red and the breaks come off. I strike the dogs open handed (often repeatedly and rapidly, mind), usually across the face or on the sides. It's open handed but it is NOT soft - I am quite strong due to my line of work. Usually this is the end of it as the dogs flee, whimpering and scared. But sometimes it escalates further, as either has occasionally snapped back at me. This usually ends with me chasing them into the garage usually with a broom (I do not strike with the broom, just slap it on the ground to make noise while yelling). I never leave them for long - they're always back out after 5 or 10 minutes when I calm down and realize the punishment never ever matches the problem.
Often I am quickly overwhelmed by shame. I'll try to make ammends with pets or sometimes do a quick training session showing the right thing to do with treats. But the damage is done and I'm not sure if I'm reinforcing bad actions somehow? I really don't understand dog training - clearly. (yes I know negative responses are terrible ways to teach)
What have you done to try to change?
I've worked a lot over the past few years about changing my actions. I used to be much more hot tempered with the dogs and would insistently chase them back to their beds over the smallest grievance. When they're being good I try to pet more often and give treats for good actions (responding properly to commands, being good around the girls, sometimes just treats for the hell of it). When they're bad is the real test - I try to temper my anger by walking away. Sometimes I'll just send them straight to time out (the phrase "time out" tells them to go to the laundry room and sit until they're told to come out) or just tell my wife to deal with them and remove myself from the situation. I've tried mentally envisioning my own daughters doing what they've done and tempered my responses that way as well. That helps sometimes - if my daughter tore up a shirt I'd sooner ask why than resort to any action I've done with the dogs. But inevitably it happens again. Maybe I'm tired that day or have had a bad day or maybe the stars just aligned wrong and the fuse is lit.
Some answers to the most likely responses I can envision:
"You don't deserve to be a pet owner."
I know, but here I am. Like I said, they're moreso my wife's pets, but they're in the house and I have a heavy hand in taking care of them. I want to change to become a better pet owner - for them, for myself, and for the whole family.
"You should give your pets to someone who is better equipped to care for them."
This is a non-option. How would I explain it to the girls? To my wife? "Daddy is an abusive piece of shit so now we have to get rid of your beloved dogs"? Holy hell that would explode my whole family. I'd rather work through this.
"You are a (insert appropriate insult here)!"
I feel terribly about my actions. Maybe not terribly enough. But no insult anyone on here throws could add constructively to the situation.
"Kill yourself."
No u
"Why haven't you talked to a therapist?"
I'm scared. I'm scared they'll hear the story and, in their disgust, report me to an authority. I'm sure there are those of you who think that would be for the best because the dogs would be in a "better place", but on the opposite end of the deal two young girls would lose the only pillar keeping the house over their head. I have no illusions that such a revelations, especially if authorities became involves, would not absolutely destroy my family.
So why are you here? What are you looking for?
Some direction, really. Maybe some advice on how to approach things. How to control that anger that rises up when it comes to the animals. Maybe some direction on who I can talk to about this aside from a bunch of internet strangers.
[link] [comments]
from Pets https://www.reddit.com/r/Pets/comments/mhknmo/i_am_an_abusive_pet_owner_i_am_deeply_ashamed_of/
No comments:
Post a Comment